Friends, I have to confess. The fount of my saltiness for my Valentine’s Haterade post was due to a boy. Yes, the queen of butterflies and rainbows momentarily took off her crown and became a Terry McMillan character for the day. It wasn’t a necessarily pretty journey but getting to the other side of my funk has been pretty revelatory and has helped me to start creating some new standards in my dating life. Let’s begin with last Thursday, shall we?
So, I’ve had been talking with a guy for about two months, and I thought that we were on a pretty good trajectory toward creating a long-term relationship. He had a few interesting personality peccadillos here and there, but no major flags that gave me pause. Then about two weeks ago, I was thinking, “Well, maybe we’ll do something cool for Valentines’ Day.” I didn’t say anything and I was waiting for him to be a gentleman and step up to the plate and suggest something. Nearly two weeks roll by and we’re now into the week of Valentine’s Day and still NOTHING. By Valentine’s Day proper, I was PISSED. Really, dude? Did I suddenly turn into a frog overnight and nobody told me?
By 4:00, I was so salty that I had turned into a salt lick. To combat my rising frustration, I decided to treat myself to dinner and a movie in Tyson’s Corner. I am my own best company and I had a great time with my favorite girl–ME. (But seriously, I am gonna need a refund for the “Silver Linings Playbook.” That was such FALSE advertising for this optimist. That movie had no FREAKIN’ silver linings in sight. Perhaps I should start watching previews before I spend my $12 on a movie ticket). I got home at 10:30 and was winding down for the night with scriptures, prayer, and RuPaul (don’t judge my bedtime routine!). I was just drifting off to sleep at around 11:30 when my phone buzzed. It was him. NEGRO PLEASE!!! I let him roll over to voicemail and went to sleep.
I woke up the next day and started my morning. I checked my voicemail after I got my work day rolling and his voicemail message was as follows:
“Hey, just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. I know I’m late, but it still not midnight yet and I got my message in under wire. Anyway, call me back.”
THAT MESSAGE made me more mad than if he wouldn’t have called at all. You fully acknowledge that yesterday was significant and you tried to clean it up with that bull—- message?? You can miss me with that, bro.
I was so fired up that I had to call in two of my trusted life advisors. I called my girl Rayanne (aka Miss Ray Ray if you’re nasty) during lunch and she gave me AMAZING advice on taking back my power in the dating game by setting up my own rules and sticking firm to what’s most important to ME.
I had a further life advisory session that evening with my friend Adriane (aka Mz. Benita) who started off her advice by saying, “First of all, why is he calling you way after normal business hours?” I replied, “Well, he always calls me that late.” To which she countered, “Nah, he probably spent Valentine’s day with someone else and then just called you at the end of the day to keep you in play.” And then I said, “Really?? I didn’t even think about that!!” My rose-colored glasses wearing self couldn’t even fathom the idea that I could be getting played.
I took some time to put together all the dots––the consistent, late-night calls, refusing all of my invitations for meeting up, only meeting on his terms, and other curious behaviors. I could seriously be reaching and it’s quite possible that there isn’t anyone else in the picture, but REGARDLESS of what the actual circumstances are, I concluded that I deserve to be treated better than that. Any man over the age of 10 knows that Valentine’s Day (and every other major life holidays (e.g., birthdays and Christmas) are important. And I am DEFINITELY worth more than a shoddy, 30-second voicemail. Bro, you have officially earned yourself a one-way ticket to the Township of Never Gonna Get It. Please make sure that you are well acquainted with En Vogue’s similarly titled hit single before you depart.
I gave myself a good, stern talking to on Sunday night. (Hey, if I don’t keep it real with myself, who will?) I’m bright, beautiful, hilarious, God-filled, multi-talented, and pretty much the epitome of AWESOME. You can take a look at all five of my sisters and see how fine I’ll STILL be in 15-20 years. How dare I keep accepting subpar masculine behavior masquerading around as chivalry! Either you step up and be a man or we we’ve got nothing more to discuss. NEXT!
After my self- chastisement, I realized that I don’t have a firm set of rules that guide my dating life. As a recovering low self-esteem-aholic, my dating mantra has been, “There’s a man paying attention to me. Well, I guess you deserve a shot.” At almost 34, I know that just basking in my beauty and intelligence is not enough to sustain a relationship.
I was thinking of cracking out my lightly read copy of Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man” but I am more interested in first seeing what my highly intelligent, very thoughtful, soulful, and diverse group of FB friends and family has to say. So, what are the rules that you use for dating? What are the books that you have found to be most helpful? And am I being too harsh in cutting this brother off just because he didn’t step up to the plate for Valentine’s Day?